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Name: Tia   Title: Infidelity/Affair

I found out last Saturday that my husband of 10 years had an affair and his mistress is pregnant. This is not the first affair but I forgave him in the past, we did therapy and decided to hang on to our marriage/investment. I've cried all week, have not been able to eat or sleep. it's been hard. I immediately put him out and I'm seeking a divorce. I'm simply stomped. We were friends. We had a nice home, and lived a comfortable life. Our sex life is VERY healthy and extremely active. I am a christian 39 year old woman in my second marriage and wasn't sure I wanted to give it up but I can't deal with an outside child so I decided to let it go this time. I did do one therapy session, it was there that I decided to let it go. I snapped, had a tantrum and told him when I got home, I wanted him gone. This is actually affair number 3 and the therapist seem to think that there may be an addiction there. She began discussing this with him and he became very upset saying that he didn't have a problem with sex. She told him that she was a professional and shared a few symptoms with him. When you have the perfect life and family but still can't control yourself knowing the consequences involved, you're an addict. So since he can't admit that he has a problem, obviously he won't get help. You have to first admit that a problem exist just like an alcoholic would have to do. It was then that I snapped and told him this was over. Because if he won't admit he has a problem and get indivdual therapy in this area, needless to say, he'll do it again. I simply can' t take this again. If it is in God's will, and he cleans him up, in his MIND and his problems are resolved then I'll consider him one day in the future if he ever crosses my path or really wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But for now I must move on but he pain is so horrible. OMG, I have had nothing but pure HEART pain. I am looking for volunteer groups or programs to throw myself into and be a help to other women who have gone thru what I'm going thru. Any suggestions?

Name: Leslie08 New Member

I feel the same way! 20 yr. marriage, 2 kids, just found out husband is having an affair for 3 months. Assuming you have confronted him and he has admitted the affair. Best thing to try and do, which is soooo hard, stay neutral, don't mention the affair or the other woman. Assume that he is seeing her still, don't question him-he will just lie. Don't set yourself up for more pain. Maybe time will be the best healer. You have to decide how much time you want to give him to come to his senses. It is not your fault. If he dumps the girlfriend and comes back you both need to work full time on the marriage to affair proof it.

Name: believer New Member

Looks like it went through - so here is my 2nd entry. I am trying to determine what direction I should go with my current situation. My husband & I have been married 12 year now but I found out about his affair almost 3 years ago.
We are currently seperated - by my choice so I can attempt to sort out my feelings & see which way I want to go. Do I want to try counseling again & see if we can save our marriage or do I want to say - you've had too many chances to see what you have/had & blew it??
In a nutshell - I found out about his affair when I was 4 months pregnant with my 2nd daughter. When confronted he denied it all & said I was wrong & was reading into things too much. I was confused because I still had a feeling that wasn't so but he was saying straight to my face that I was wrong. It took 2 months of further questioning to uncover & get a confession from him. We went to counseling & were working with a little bit of a time factor due to the upcoming birth in dec 05.
In counseling - felt like he was going through emotions & wasn't fully invested in this. He has since learned what psycho this other woman is & think he has realized what he risked to be with her. I no longer worry about competing with her - before I thought it all had to do with me. I now realize it is him & don't know if I want to try counseling & truely work on us - think he is ready ow.
one more bit of information, the other woman had their child 1.5 years ago, after I had understood they were not to see each other, found this out 2 month after my daughter was born but was not ready to take an action due to the timing of things.
he has since made some stride but I still am doubting if I can really trust him again. have to decide what will be done/said about other child if we would stay together.
I am doing pretty well with the seperation & can see myself going either way. I now know how we can make our marriage stronger & have always had a fun time together & 2 wonderful children. But yet, I can also see that I can make it on my own & that I might be able to move & find happiness with someone else.
I am weighing this out during our seperation to guide me to what is right for me ( which is a new way of thinking for me) - I used to always think what was best for other & think about me last.
Give me your thoughts . ..

Name: believer New Member

I just typed a mini bio & it didn't go through - I am going to test this before I try to recreate what I just wrote. will be looking for some advice on should I stay or go???

Name: older&wiser(26)

The how's and why's and when's and where's the all raced thru my head. I even screamed at my husband once who the f*** was she? what did she do for him that I could not? the best thing to do is to leave, and let yourself heal, go to the MD's and yes tell your MD that you suspect your spouce of being intimate with another, and have your doc. test you for EVERY STD even HIV/AIDS, because only we can take care of ourselves. Take time for yourself, get back in touch with your girl-friends, work out every day, get foxy and find yourself someone who loves only you. Trust me ladies looking like a bomb-shell and knowing that your husband might want you but don't give it to him it's fantastic to make them suffer sometimes a taste of their own medicine is the best therapy for your broken hearts.

Name: Niecy

I've been married for over 14 years and recently found out my husband has been having an affair with a co-worker. I have strong suspicions that she may be pregnant. My husband has been very secretive and protective of this other woman. He has decided that he no longer want's to be married to me anymore. He has been taking time off of work without my knowledge per my private investigator. Unfortunately, he still won't come clean about this relationship with his co-worker. He still continues to lie and refuses to take responsibility for his actions. The said part about this situation is that I've been dealing with and undergoing infertility treatment over the past 5 years. My husband told me, "I don't want to have sex with you because it would make things to complicated." I TRULY understand your pain. If I didn't have God or a great support system, I'm not sure where I would be. I've decided fo file for a divorce on the grounds of adultery.

Name: slfyh

Tia, I can honestly feel your pain. I have been married for over 20 years and recently moved to this area in Oct 04. I found out last year that my husband had meet a woman, that already had two kids from someone else, and a child was born Feb 06. He started working for this company in Nov 04 and immediately after moving here he had a naffair, an unprotected sexual affair. This was not the first time he has cheated on me either. As a look back over the years I realized that there has not been a year that he has cheated with someone. Before moving here in Oct 04, we lived overseas. Jan 03 I found out I was pregnant with our a child. In spite of it being a blessing I was really upset because I vowed to not ever have another child by him. The last pregnancy with our daughter who was 15 at the time of my pregnancy, was terrible. He was unfaithful then, disrespectful, all the above, I knew I didnt want to ever go theourhg this with him again, so this last pregnancy was a shock. I walways told myself as soon as my daughter became of age I was leaving this man, and low and behold I end up pregnant with my son. To make a long story short, after finding out about this child that he has with this other woman, I was devestated. However, not suprised, because he is a liar, yet knowing this I often thought he would change. Well even after this blow to our marriage, he still has doesnt see. I have often said I was leaving him after something happens and didnt, but this last episode is the icing on the cake. Skipping ahead, we dont have sex...when we do it is far and between and knowing his sexual appetitie I know he is getting it from somewhere. With the AIDS rate among black men and women, I cant just sleep with him because. Well for the 4th of July I went out of town for 2 days, he was suppose to work that Friday and i'd asked my sister to pick me up from the airport, however, that morning at 1000 he was there, I'd asked him if he got off from work early, his reply was yes. However being with this man for so long I have learned his ways and knew that he was lying, however I'd called that Friday night to remeind my daughter what time I was getting home, it was 1100pm MD time, she had spent the night with her cousin and no answer at my house, no big deal because I was under the impression my husband was working. However after arriving home that Sat morning, i had my doubts. I waited until Ihed gotten his pay stub and saw that he'd taken leave that Friday.....again a liar. I confronted him and he lied and said he was at work, then realized what he aqs saying and said he stayed home to get rest, however he was off that Wed and Thurs, so again to make a long story short I am fed up with the lies and I am now seeking a divorce. It is more beneficial for me to stay with him monetary wise but my sanity is killing me. The drawback is I have a 3 yr old that absolutely loves his dad, and I never wanted him to have to suffer, be another young black male without a fulltime father figure....hence why I have stayed with this liar up until now.

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Name: jlbw

I am new to this forum. I have only been married almost 4 years and was married later in life. Nine months ago my husband confessed to me he'd been having an affair with a lady (I use that loosely) he met last summer. At that time it had been going on 4 months. He said he couldn't live the double life anymore. He confessed later that he wanted to divorce me but just couldn't do it. (He denies that now.) So while we were trying to work things out with a psychiatrist, he was still in a relationship with his girlfriend! He and I discussed many times the possiblity of either of us having an affair on the other and both of us agreed that we were not capable of that, being the honest people we were. I have never doubted him, as he had never done anything like this and is truly an honest person.

Here is the most amazing part, he has told me over and over and over again that he did many things with her but did not have intercourse with her!! Recently, after my traumatic OB/GYN appointment, when I asked to be tested for EVERYTHING I could have, I told him to be honest with me. He still denied it!

It is amazing how something like this can be so life changing. I have been an emtional wreck since Oct. 16. I cannot get the images of him and her out of my mind. Nor can I get the constant thoughts of her, him, all that they did behind my back, in front of my blind eyes, how they met, both knowing he was married and went through with it anyway, what they talked about, where he took her, and all the questions I ask myself but cannot answer and on and on and on.. I often ask myself what he could have told her about me that justified an affair, let alone a 6 month affair? He never blatently blamed me for leading him to it, but many times slipped up and almost did.

My doctor tells me this was nothing but a selfish act on his part. She says that I cannot blame his girlfriend, his friends that knew, take the blame for this myself, feel guilty, beat him up about it every chance I get OR beat myself up about it. She and my husband say I am supposed to look forward and be positive to make this relationship work. How can I? We haven't even discussed what went wrong in the first place to either fix it or avoid going there again. Right now, I do not feel positive about him or us because I don't trust him or respect him. I also cannot be positive when I see that if I stay, he got away with it all. I want so bad to stay because it can be "comfortable" with him and I love him.

Maybe someone who has been through this can help me. I am not so sure I can do this anymore. Thank you for any advice, comment,s or answer concering my dilema.

Name: marthac New Member

I feel for you. It is a noble thing to want to help other women. But right now is not the best time. You have to help yourself first.