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Name: hollyb New Member   Title: 15 year old step daughter moving in

I am in a 3 year old relationship and have a 9 year old daughter and a new 8 month old baby. My fiance estranged 15 year old daughter who he just met 3 weeks ago after 12 years have gone by moved in with us 2 days after he had lunch wiht her. Her mom is a total loser and she has been in lots of trouble. She started high school this year and has been suspended from both semesters. I am torn with helping a kid in need and taking care of my own 2 children. I fear what kind if influence she is having on my 9 year old and am feeling resentful of how much time its taking out of life. Worst of all, i am miserable and am irritated about having no privacy in my own home. She has no clothes so she has borrowed some of mine, she is on the phone 5 hours a day talking to a total loser boy who she calls her boyfriend and spends a lot of time on my space. My fiance are fighting like cats and dogs and i feel like he does not support me. I want to take my babies and just get my own place. I am stuck and dont know what to do.

Name: cyn1 New Member

I think you are being selfish. You are in a relationship with someone, you except him and all his baggage. If she doesn't have clothes buy her some. Stop referring to her as a kid in need and start thinking of her as your "daughter". How would you feel if she were yours and the step mother was thinking that way about her. Also, what do you think it would do to her to know that you left your husband because of her? You think she is screwed up now...wait until someone else she does care about leaves her!

Name: gwin New Member

I don't know if this will help, but when it comes to my husband not supporting me I have tried everything, lately what seems to work is saying it back to him (using your situation) like this..."so if it she was wearing your clothes without asking that is ok?", so "you are ok with her being on the phone 5 hours a day?", so, "you think this boyfriend of her's is a good influence?". I listen to his responses and continue on the same until we hopefully reach a mutual agreement. Otherwise, you truly have an incredible opportunity to be something for this 15 year old that she has never had...a Parent! If you are up to the challenge (and it sounds like it will be a challenge). She needs rules, she needs an example, and you are in a position to give her both. You can absolutely have rules about your clothes, you can absolutely set limits on phone calls, you can absolutely address privacy, and even have credible conversations with her as to why this boy might not be the best (you can't say she can't see him unless you want her to sneak behind your back of course)...but by your example, she may decide that he is a loser all on her own. Anyhow, you are a great person for even allowing this (or if you didn't have a choice - you are great for staying and considering whether you can take this on). Like you said, you do already have a commitment to your two children that you have to consider and I completely get that and in the end you may find that you can't do it all...and that is ok too. Take care and good luck!

Name: momof2 New Member

Wow. It sounds like there was no planning or discussing how this new child being taken in would be handled. Did your fiancee discuss with you his intent of having her move in? Did he consider the 2 younger children? It sounds like his daughter is in need of some rules and boundaries. Have you both sat and spoken to her about how much you love her and want to help her but that she would have to do her part within the family unit? You may also want to get a counseling referral from her school. They can refer and set up counseling (during or outside of school hours) so that she can begin to get the therapy she needs. I can't imagine how difficult this all is for you but please remember it is a new (and perhaps frightening) transition for her as well. Be supportive. But also look out for your younger childrens safety as well. Their safety is definetely priority.

Name: Buttercup88 New Member

I think that you need to think of the safety of your children. The 15yr old might be
troubled and need guidance/counselling and love. But honestly, in the mean time you
don't want anything terribly bad to happen with your children either.
It is really nice that she has found her dad and that he is willing to take her in and help
her out. But he must realize she NEEDS help, from what you are writing.
Take care of your children and keep them safe. Suggest getting her help and show
her love. As for moving out, well...that would not build a relationship with her at all, but
again you have to decide what is best for you. Good luck.